


Distance and lies

by MelindaCoulson4



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Lies, after 5x11, lmd mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 10:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13879014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelindaCoulson4/pseuds/MelindaCoulson4
Summary: These days it seems like all he does is lie to her. It’s the only thing he can do to protect her in the long run. after 5x11





	Distance and lies

**Author's Note:**

> Phil's pov, angst

He hates himself.   
  
Hates what he's become. Someone who keeps things from the most important person in his life.   
  
_A liar._    
  
The guilt creeps up on him, threatens to drown him each time they speak. He's had the opportunity to tell her. And each time he finds the words on the tip of his tongue, yet time after time all he does is swallow them, unable to reveal the truth.  
  
_How could you do this to her?_ His mind constantly screams on repeat.  
  
After every interaction they have he's reminded of what's hidden underneath his shirt- the mark on his chest that speaks of certain death underneath it. Because each time he speaks to her or even looks in her direction he's thinking about it. He thinks about the dark black splotches covering his chest, spreading further and further each day.   
_  
What if she happens to see it?_  
  
If his shirt slides down even an inch she'll definitely be able to spot it. If he bends over his shirt may come lose and she'll be able to see it that way. He thinks of hundreds of ways she could see it, which means each time she's near he gets paranoid. He can't stand to be in her presence for extended periods of time. The risk is too high. So, it's easier to keep his distance from her rather than trying to calm his rapidly beating heart and steady his shaking palms whenever her gaze focuses on him.  
  
It's killing him- not being able to see her, to just sit and talk to her about everything and nothing. To even be in the same room as her now takes an innumerable amount of effort. Instead, he hides away from not only Melinda but the rest of the team.  
  
The regret of wasted time gnaws at him as he sits alone, holed up in his old office day after day. The solitude leaves him with nothing but his thoughts. One particular recurring thought: how much Melinda means to him. How much he loves her.  
  
He loves her with his entire being. The love courses through his veins, burns like the power of the sun, constantly making him feel like a shaken bottle of soda on the brink of exploding. The years of friendship and partnership have interwoven to create something so beautiful, a bond between them. It’s as if they're constantly connected by an invisible string.   
  
The feelings somehow make him weak, yet strong in other ways. She's always been by his side, helping with whatever he needs. When he started carving she didn't overwhelm him with questions, instead she stayed as an unwavering presence, supporting him. When he came back from the dead she didn't shy away from the pain of the lies, she faced them head on all the while looking out for his safety. When he'd lashed out at her for keeping Tahiti a secret she'd come back to him and opened his eyes to the truth. Each time she's been nothing but the best- everything he could ask for. So now, without her, he's lost and confused.   
  
All he does is ruminate over all of their interactions throughout the years. What could he have said to make her happier? Should he have told her how he felt? The regrets and memories swirl through his mind.   
  
It's torture because now he knows that he can never tell her the truth. He can never tell her how he truly feels with death lurking just around the corner for him. Any day now it'll creep up and consume him, and then he'll be gone for good. And he won't put her through the pain of finally being together only to be ripped apart again.  
  
It's better to distance himself now than have her closer to him in death. To have her love him even more than she already does. It would break her.   
  
So, instead he'll shoulder this pain for the both of them. He'll wrap it up tightly and keep it to himself, suffering in silence.   
  
Maybe they were never meant to be together. It sure as hell seems like that's the case. Whenever he goes over their history in his head it's always the same: they seem to shift closer and then fate or the universe decides that they have to be blown apart.  
  
_Partners then Bahrain. Barely speaking then Tahiti. Teammates then Andrew and Rosalind. Planning to drink Haig then she was replaced. Fighting to get her back then the framework. Getting back to the real world then shot through time. And now this._    
  
Maybe they caused each other too much pain. The universe was trying to tell them to stay away, so when they didn't listen they got hurt even more than the previous times.   
  
But, despite all the pain and loss that they've experienced he still loves her, wants her- needs her. But he can't have her. He won't let himself make a move now that he's destined for death because she comes above all else. Her life- her happiness, that's his priority.  
  
"Did I do something?"  
  
His head snaps over to the doorway of his old office and sees her walking in. She's blindsided him. He'd been so lost in thought he hadn't even registered any movement.   
  
He blinks in response to her appearance making sure that she isn't a figment of his imagination.  
  
The familiar panic that he feels almost every waking moment fills his veins. He can't control the quick duck of his head as he checks himself over. It's a compulsory movement now, to make sure his shirt is up to his neck, properly covering all areas of his chest. Logically he knows the shirt hasn't moved since he sat down, but logic doesn't exist in his life anymore. Not when the risk of hurting her is so high.  
  
When he looks back up at her he's taken aback by how worn she appears. It's the first time he's gotten to really look at her when they weren't running for their lives. He sees what everyone else glosses over. How the dark circles under her eyes stand out against the pallid color of her face. The deepening of her grimace as she stands still, favoring her left leg as it continues to heal. The exhaustion that she's trying so hard to hide, but he spots it anyway.   
  
He wants to jump out of his seat and pull her into his arms, just to hold her and comfort her. He wants to offer her the seat across from his desk. He wants to blurt out everything that he's been keeping inside of him. But he knows he can't do any of that, it'll only make things worse in the end.   
  
Instead, he snaps himself out of it and focuses on keeping this interaction short and surface level- small talk, insignificant. He needs to respond instead of continuing to stare at her like a fish out of water. "Sorry....what did you say?"  
  
She stares at him intently. Her eyes run over his face with concern before she speaks. "Did I do something to you? You're avoiding me."  
  
Unfortunately, she's noticed. _Of course she has_. He shouldn't really be surprised. He's practically spent every minute of the past week in this office. When they weren't out doing recon, he was here hiding from everyone else. Keeping himself locked away, getting them used to doing things without him. She would pick up on his absence and lack of engagement. She always seems to notice the little things about him.   
  
"I'm afraid of what's going to happen," he says, chalking up his behavior to anxiety about what's to come. And even though she won't understand the real meaning behind the words, he is able to release some of the built up tension in his shoulders after saying them. After all, they're the most truthful words he's said to her in a while.   
  
She softens then, nodding slowly. "Me too," she sighs.  
  
He knows that she's thinking of their seemingly doomed future: Daisy becoming the destroyer of worlds. It's true, he is terrified of that possibility, but he's also equally plagued by the thought of what will happen to Melinda once he's gone.   
  
He's afraid for her. Afraid of what losing him will do to her. Maybe that's an extremely grandiose thought, but he can't help it. No one else knows her like he does. They don't know when to step in after she pulls away for too long. They don't know to bring her a cup of hot tea when she's drowning herself in work. They don't know when to tell her enough is enough when she pummels the punching bag for hours at a time. They don't know how sensitive her heart really is. How words have a way of burrowing under her skin and affecting her. Words like the cavalry. How it reminds her of the hard call she had to make. How she isn't an icy, heartless robot, but the exact opposite: a woman who is soft underneath, fiercely strong, empathetic, caring, and so much more.   
  
The repercussions of leaving her alone hit him like a freight train over and over again.   
  
_Will anyone else take the time to care for her? To love her? Will they pay attention to the little things that she hides? The pain behind her eyes?  
_  
But most of all he's afraid that she will pull away from everyone all over again. Similar to what happened to her after Bahrain. They've both worked so hard over the years to tentatively knock down the protective wall that she'd built around herself. Together they'd pulled it down, brick by brick. But this may cause another wall to go up in its place. A new wall made of steel, never to be breached again. He can't bear the thought of it.   
  
"What else aren't you telling me?" She asks suddenly, cutting off his terrible thoughts.   
  
She knows that he's hiding something else and she won't leave until she gets an answer. His eyes squeeze shut at this revelation.  
  
"Nothing." The lie falls from his mouth quickly. He can't even bring himself to glance in her direction.   
  
"I thought we were done with this," she fumes.  
  
When he looks back at her he can read the disbelief and anger on her face. She knows he's lying. She knows him so well. Her mouth spreads into a thin line as her eyes bore into his, steadily watching him.   
  
The guilt creeps up his neck. He scrambles to say something, anything. "Meli-"  
  
"You say I'm the only one you trust but…," she trails off, shaking her head, clearly hurt by his lies.  
  
The tears that he catches shining in her eyes are a knife to his gut.   
  
_I trust you I just don't want to hurt you_ , he wants to say. But, he knows no matter how screwed up his logic is, it's better this way. If she makes the decision to pull away from him now it'll spare her some of the pain later.  
  
He desperately wants her to understand what's happening and why it has to be this way. He wants her to read his mind. It's selfish, but he can't help it. It's the worst part of all of this. How much he needs her support right now, her strength, but he can't allow her to give it. That would only bring them closer together and he has to put her first no matter how much it hurts.   
  
"Tell me what happened with the lmd. I know there's something else," she says, completely taking him by surprise.   
  
Panic spreads throughout his body in response to her request. Just the mere mention of the lmd makes him think of everything she missed.   
  
_Amber liquid in glass tumblers._  
  
Long talks into morning hours.   
  
Soft lips- no, he shakes the memories away.  
  
"The lmd?" He asks, feigning cluelessness.   
  
"Now that we aren't fighting for our lives I want to know the truth. I know you've been keeping something from me ever since then." She crosses her arms over her chest.   
  
He's once again underestimated how well she knows him. She's been able to sense his awkwardness, how he hasn't been the same ever since the framework. Admittedly, he has shied away from her questions about the Haig and anything that was related to the lmd really. He would've been willing to tell her about it all right now if it weren't for the sickness in his body. He would tell her all about his foolishness with the lmd, how he'd fallen for all of her tricks. But that's not what this is about. He can't tell her anything anymore.   
  
All he can do now is lie. Lie with the intention of driving her away from him. He has to come up with a lie that will push her away indefinitely.   
  
It easily forms in his mind, the way he can twist the events to break her in the worst way.   
  
He stares at her one more time. One last time, for fear that she'll never want to be near him again once he tells her.  
  
She's beautiful. Always has been in his eyes. The way her hair falls in soft waves some days and at others times it's completely straight. The way her deep, brown eyes seem to hold every emotion that she feels. The way she shares secret glances with him, seemingly perfectly timed. They've always been naturally in sync with one another. Always there at the other's side, serving as protection. That's what Melinda does best, albeit silently. She's always been there, no matter what. He's always admired her strength and compassion. The beauty in the way she cares for others even though she tries to hide it. He sees it and values her for it. She's the best shield agent he's ever met and worked with. She's his best friend and partner. She's his everything and now he has to let her go.   
  
He swallows down all of the regrets that he has, taking a moment to savor this last second between them where there's still a sliver of possibility.   
  
Then, he shatters it all.   
  
"After everything with the Haig....I...we...she and I got to talking and spending more time together. We were able to talk so much more...say things that went unsaid between us. And on one of the jobs we had we were just talking about taking a break from field work...maybe going on a vacation at some point. Then she just ended up....she kissed me...told me she wanted to be with me. So...that's when I knew she wasn't you. We're partners....friends. Romance...that isn't us." The words are poison on his tongue. The shame of the lie eats him from the inside out. She doesn't deserve this. This cowardly confession from him, blaming everything on the lmd when he was the one to make the move.  
  
His hands clench into fists under his desk as he watches her process what he's said. The light that was previously in her eyes now dies, her chocolate irises somehow become less vibrant. The hope that she had now extinguishes.  
  
After all these years it's the confirmation that he's wanted. The confirmation that she feels the same, he sees it now. She wants him just as he wants her. She had hope for them to be together after all this time. And he'd waited until it was too late to do anything about it.   
  
It feels as though someone has sucked all of the air out of the room. His chest constricts painfully. Tears spring in his eyes and his nose burns as he tries to hold them back.   
  
"Right," she says succinctly. "Friends." She nods sharply as if he's just given her an order.   
  
He can already see her curling into herself, her protective walls going up. He's hurt her, basically crushed her. Told her he doesn't feel the same way. He's broken her heart.   
  
"So I've just needed some space. It isn't you. It's just...," he trails off, unable to spew anymore disgusting lies.   
  
"Okay." She blinks and all expression on her face is gone. The years of shield training takes over, allowing her to hide her emotions well, schooling her features to that of a stone cold statue. "I have to go," she tells him clearly with no room for argument.  
  
This time he's relieved. He can't bear to keep seeing how much he's hurt her.   
  
She tries hiding her face as she turns away, but he catches a lone tear slipping down her cheek. She walks out of the room without another word.  
  
And just like that the deep wound of his betrayal intensifies like a knife stabbing and twisting into his stomach.    
  
He bends over, putting both hands over his face, shutting out the world. The guilt and shame eat him alive as he sits there thinking about everything that he's done. The moment in the library pops into his head.  
  
He remembers flashes of her smirk as they talked about vacationing together. How he'd stepped into her personal space. She'd peered into his eyes, emotions swirling around and he just knew that that was their moment. So he'd kissed her. And his heart had never felt so full before.   
  
He was ecstatic that they were doing it. They were finally taking the giant leap. They could be together. Happiness flowed through his veins in those few seconds. He had been so happy. Then everything crashed down not a minute later once she got her hands on that damn book. Her voice had deepened and she'd pointed her gun at his face. The realization was like a tornado ripping through the room. In an instant he knew that she wasn't really Melinda. Everything had been a lie.   
  
Just like now.   
  
He raises his fake hand and slams it into the desk drawer, reveling in the sound of the wood splitting apart. He wishes he could banish the memories away with each punch against the desk. But he can't, no relief will come, even after he pummels the drawer more than ten times. She's an addiction, always swirling through his mind. The more he sees her, talks to her- the more he wants her. Which is why he can't see her anymore. Not that she’ll ever want to be near him again after what he’s just done to her.

Everything they have ever shared is gone now. He’s ruined them.

They will never be together. He’ll never get to love her the way she deserves.

After fuming for the better part of an hour, he finally convinces himself that it’ll be better this way for her. Now, she can start getting used to his absence in her life. Maybe that way she’ll be able to move on without him once he dies.   
  
That's what he tells himself. Because that's the only way he can keep breathing.

  
//end//  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! feel free to comment :)


End file.
